I wasn’t completely satisfied with the scent of my eco-friendly-cruelty-free-insufferable-hippie shampoo. Also the store quit carrying it. So I decided to order it on Amazon. I noticed that they had Herbal and Tea Tree. Tea Tree was the one that had not impressed me. And I should clarify right now: the Tea Tree was fine. It just wasn’t the Delicious Gummy Bear scent that most shampoos seem to aim for. So I says to myself, I says, “Herbal? I like herbs.” It mentions chamomile, …
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In high school, my friends peer pressured me into going tanning. They wouldn’t listen to me when I told them, “I don’t tan, I burn.” My friend goes in for like 40 minutes. She comes out all gold and bronze-y and perfect. I go in for 15 minutes and come out red as a fucking lobster. They were quite amused. Aside from the tanning-doesn’t-happen-for-pale-weirdos thing, what also put me off was the whole sweaty-and-naked-on-a-sheet-of-glass part. It’s a gross feeling by itself, but when you …
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Thinking back on my childhood injuries, I’m surprised my parents didn’t force me to wear a helmet. Age 7: Rode a sled over a retaining wall… backwards. Knocked out my front tooth. Age 10: Ran full speed into a giant rock while playing tag with my brother and my cousin. Broke my hand. Age 11: Ran over my own foot with my bike… while I was sitting on it. (HOW?) Broke my toe. As accident prone as I was, my brother holds the record …
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When I first met my dorm mate my freshman year of college, I had no idea she was a murderer. She’d hold her victims captive for months, slowly starving them to death. They were goldfish, but still. My point is, there comes a time when you can’t stand by and let these atrocities just keep happening. So I kidnapped her last fish. I left a ransom note made from cut-up magazine pages and told her one of her friends took the fish. When she …
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