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My roommate was a serial killer

When I first met my dorm mate my freshman year of college, I had no idea she was a murderer.

She’d hold her victims captive for months, slowly starving them to death.

They were goldfish, but still.

My point is, there comes a time when you can’t stand by and let these atrocities just keep happening.

So I kidnapped her last fish. I left a ransom note made from cut-up magazine pages and told her one of her friends took the fish.

When she returned to the room, post-fish-napping, things went a little something like this…


HER: Which friend? What did she look like?

ME: I don’t know… brown hair, average height.

HER: Did she have big teeth?

ME: Yes.


(Pro-tip: When describing a made-up person to someone, always agree with whatever features/descriptors they suggest.)


I named the fish Ramona and had her for like 4 years after that. I never told the roommate that I did it. We moved out at the end of the year and never saw each other again.

2 thoughts on “My roommate was a serial killer

  1. You were right to save the fish, it sounds as if he had a good life with you. I really enjoyed your collaboration with Tim McBain on Casting Shadows and will be starting the Fade To Black series on my upcoming vacation. I hope you both continue to write and save unsuspecting creatures from any aquatic serial killers you may encounter.

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